Tsukino hikari wa ai no message.

I have come to the conclusion that love is but only an idealistic concept...

My mom said earlier I shouldn't be so cynical about love at my age but even at 22 years old I have encountered my fair share of heartbreak, being messed around and cheated on.

I'm not one to expect miracles, I don't expect my knight in shining armour to ride in on a white horse and to sweep me off of my feet.

Neither do I expect to experience love at first sight, and then in turn some true love romance to blossom and get married and live happily ever after.

But it would be nice to meet someone who would like me for me, for my strange and twisted mind, who could accept me for me flaws and all.

Someone with no ex hang ups, no trust issues, and just be completely sane, laid back, and mentally sound.

I always seem to attract people with issues and people who still have feelings for ex partners.

I mean I know you can't help what you feel, don't get me wrong, Ive been there.

BUT I am not your rebound tool, I'm not someone who can be used to pass your time because you can't get that 'one who got away' etc.

Urgh I don't know, I had 'the one who got away' but y'know what, life goes on.

You just don't dwell, you get on with life. Shit happens.

Over a year passes you kind of just realise... its not going to happen maybe I should get over it and move on with my life. Because it's just sad if you dwell on something forever.

Its not healthy.

I don't know, I'm going to make the most of my life, continue with college, go to uni and get a good job and do something with my life.

I won't let anyone mess up my dreams.

I'm not intentionally cynical, but if there is someone out there meant for me, they will come to me, and prove themselves. So til then I shall wait, and I will pursue my dream of studying Japanese at University. I've only been waiting 11/12 odd years to do it.

"Seiza no matataki kazoe

uranau koi no yukue"

Janine. xxx

My philosophy

So its been a pretty crap week in all fairness.

I dumped the boyfriend, and even though its me who finished it, it pretty much sucks, in fact I can't quite describe the emotion I'm feeling now.

The best example I can give to explain what I'm feeling is this passage as follows:

"It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn’t hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain—the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt though my limbs and head—but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn’t feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I’d grown strong enough to bear it" - S.M

So yeah, its dramatic, but it encompasses it in sorts. It's funny you almost convince yourself you're ok with it, and then... it kind of bites you in the ass. Then you tell yourself they're an asshole who is selfish and cruel and deserves the fugly bitch they're trying to go back off with... and then you realise... thats true, but you will still have a certain degree of hurt and a sense of loss over them. And then if anything... you feel angry more so with yourself than anything.

Ultimately though... you realise nothing will help cure your pain and loss more than a good quadruple drink of Jack Daniels, listening to some metallica, and watching the football then soon in time going out and meeting an uber sexy new man. This is the point when I realise... I have always been a very bright girl, and that this idea is perhaps the greatest idea yet.

Time may heal all wounds, but there is no greater solution to heartbreak than whiskey and metal. :) That's my philosophy... yeah, I know I got a new philosophy, 'man behind bar got great butt' well, I finally saw it. I now prefer whiskey.

Eep!

So since I last posted the weather has been fantastic! It has been so warm and the sun has been shining constantly, its only gone back to normal typical British weather as of last night really, but hopefully the nice weather is meant to be back again soon.

Ive been really good since I last posted, I've been a bit more productive I guess, and what with the really nice weather I've been really positive, the only bad thing to happen was on sunday afternoon when I managed to break my finger :(

It happened when I was round Brendan (my boyfriends) mom and dads house and Brendan and I were messing around with the football in their back garden. He threw the ball and I managed to have the ball smack my fingers head on. (Im useless at anything sports related... I cant catch, Im a cliche girly girl in that respect) So yeah, my left ring finger got crunched, no literally, I heard and felt the crack.

It absolutely killed to the point I wanted to cry, imagine your finger on fire... yeah thats how it felt.

It happened about 2'o'clock but I just thought 'whatever, ill put some ice on it' thinking it was just bruised and would stop hurting in a minute.

But by 9 I was still suffering from it and my finger had ballooned and gone black with bruising... so needless to say I went to minor injuries and they bandaged it, the next day I had an xray and what do you know, its broken.

Pure suckage, I've been told not to use that hand much for 6weeks. Which... is kinda ok as I'm right handed (score one for the righties!) But yeah, I never realised how much I use my left hand, for like opening things, and holding things (like the butter tub when I scrape butter out)

Its just like... argh I cant, pressure hurts! lol. (I know I know I'm a wuss).

So yeah, theres the story of my gross zombified finger (seriously it looks zombified). Its more better now though, I just kind of keep doing things I normally do forgetting its broken and cause myself more pain. I kind of went against doctors orders yesterday tidying and reorganising my living room which killed, but it looks so much better now with everything moved around, when I've completed it 100% I will have to put photos up.

Anyway, Im off to eat my butternut squash - sweet potato casserole that Ive cooked, it smells AMAZING! Im going to freeze some to share with my family and Brendan. :D

Oh yeah picture of the day! Look how cute and clever this bento is!

New beginnings

So I would say this is my first blog as it appears on my page, but its not, in truth I have had this blog since 2007, I decided to delete all my old posts as from now on I'm having a fresh start. I want to post more positive entries, and live a more productive and more fulfilling life.

I have a lot of hope for the rest of this year, like moving back to Lichfield and the possibility of going back to college, and maybe getting a job sometime too would be cool.

I think the change will mainly be in myself and the people I associate with, but it will also be my lifestyle.

I'm not drinking anymore, not that I exactly drink anyway, I just want to keep clean because I don't in all honesty think that putting something bad in your body is really a smart thing to do. I can have fun without the need to put chemicals and stuff in my body. And I think if you need to, well, its quite sad. That and in the long run its seriously bad for you. Why pay to die quicker?

Your body is a temple, and thus one should treat it as its sacred right? Life is a gift, you should look after yourself.

I know I have drank like a fish beforehand, but to be fair all I've gained from it is liver damage, stupid decisions, hours of my life missing, embarrassing nights out, and sickness. I wouldn't do the things I have done drunk if I had been sober.

Seriously go for a night out and stay sober the whole time, and look at the people around you who have had a drink. Its mad when you think after a few that is you. Therefore when I go out with friends to the pub I'm sticking to my j20, I'll save my liver and my pennies.

I don't know I'm not here to preach, I just want a lifestyle change, I don't want to be stuck in doing nothing all the time, I don't want to be around people who do idiotic things and who are just complete wasters, I don't want to spend my days sleeping in until 2.

That's not living, that's really sad, and I can't believe these past 2 years I've slipped back from the progress I've made back to square one.

I don't know, all I do know is, as of tomorrow things will change for me, I've made a conscious decision to improve myself and my life. So yay! Go team me!