Update :)

Ok, so update... again. I'm not very good at posting on this thing, I guess I got distracted by my tumblr account truth be told. (http://jaynugget.tumblr.com/)
I think I may do a bit of a blog overhaul at some point and give it a new look considering I've had the same layout on here for 5 years haha.
I was only reminded of this account by Jay yesterday when he mentioned he may start blogging online again. So you have him to thank for that.
So what can I tell you crazy kids?

Not long after my last entry I discovered I was pregnant (I suppose that is a good enough excuse for not posting in ages, it's a pretty big distraction). Jay and I found out last week that we are expecting a little boy :) So come September we will have a beautiful little man terrorising our nights sleep, I know it's going to be incredibly difficult by I honestly can't wait.
Since finding out I have become so excited about the most mundane things, I'm really excited to decorate the spare room, set up the cot, go buy baby clothes etc.
Whereas I've never been that kind of person before, I would normally much rather pursue more selfish endeavours like sit on my butt playing video games whilst letting someone else do all the hard work.
My only fear is as the days progress I get more and more tired, and more and more fat.
So I'm really itching to start getting things ready, because in a month or so the last thing I will want to do is walk around shops all day. I'm already aching like an old woman and feeling pretty drained as it is. (Who knew pregnancy caused an inability to find a comfortable position to sleep in? ...Probably most women actually haha!)

So what other news can I report since my last entry?
I still haven't seen my dad in ages... He kept saying he would come round, or we would meet up and then he would let me down and not reply to messages. The last time I saw him he was back in the hospice and the only reason I went was because my sister (on my dads side) Sophia wanted to meet me and wanted moral support to go see him. After that I have heard nothing from him. I don't know whether he is alive or dead or anything. And quite honestly after trying non stop on my end to keep in contact with him I give up, because it has been ridiculously one sided which I think is incredibly cruel. He's never made an effort my whole life with me, then when I did meet him he made out like he had tried over the years (what a load of crap) and then when he has the chance to make up for lost time he just lets me down over and over and blanks me when I do text. So I've washed my hands of him. A normal person in his situation would make an effort to put things right, especially when it comes to their child. But he apparently is heartless, he has time to go off and meet random women online, go out taking drugs and drinking with his mates, but has no time for his own kid. Cheers 'Dad'.

In other news, I'm trying to make a conscious decision to start attending church again each Sunday, I realised I'd not been in a while and couldn't honestly think of a reason why, I still read my scriptures every day and what not, but I genuinely seem to keep sleeping in or forgetting each Sunday to go. It sounds ridiculous but it's true. Baby brain? Who knows. I think another part of it is perhaps nerves.
I have this image of getting fatter and fatter and more and more pregnant and turning up alone and being judged. Even though in reality I'm not, I actually have amazing friends at church who are amazingly supportive and lovely. I need to get over that fear either way, as there isn't a hope in hell Jay is ever going to come with me and my anxiety is something I need to overcome as I've been plagued by it for too many years now. Plus going to church activities is amazing, I always feel a lot happier and it's better than being stuck in alone without Jay, or waiting for Jay to wake up. I may as well do something on a weekend and what is better than feeling the spirit, learning and being happier?

All in all, I'm happy, I still get bummed out from time to time, but things in my life are actually the most settled they have been in years, the only thing that gets me down is housework, loneliness and worrying about my Grandmothers health as she seems to be on the way out unfortunately :(
But tomorrow we may get some more insight on her health as my mom and aunt (who has come over from Suffolk) are going to the hospital with her to see her consultant.
So I will update then. :)

Update

Ok, so I haven't posted here in a while, a lot has gone on since my last entries... Alot.

I moved back to Lichfield, my broken finger got better (ish), I did go back to college and started doing A levels and retaking some gcse's, but had to leave as moving and everything made me fall behind. (Try doing History, Psychology, Sociology, Literature A level and Maths and English GCSE in less than a year.) I met my Dad, I dumped the ex for good, played it single for a bit, I went to Turkey for the first time, I went to Lands end, Cornwall, Devon, did a tour of Wales, went to London just to get cinnabons, I went to Reading and saw Elder Bednar do a talk which was AMAZING, and the most amazing thing to happen since my last entry was meeting Jay.

He is bloody lovely. And we've been going out for 3 months now, and they've been the happiest of my life, we just click. And I couldn't ask for anything more, he's both my best friend and my boyfriend, and I think thats just amazing, there's no arguments, and I think in a weird way there's kind of a mutual understanding. We've both been out with psychos, and we just want someone else who is laid back, and just crazy in a good way, and I think we have that. :3

I don't know what the future holds, but I hope this happiness I'm experiencing right now continues, and hopefully later there will be more happiness. :3

Confused

I found out last Tuesday that my Dad has cancer, which has spread to his bones and that chemotherapy isn't working. I don't really know what to think about that, I'm upset obviously, but I haven't seen him since I was about 5 or 6 years old. And he wasn't a very nice person to my mom and Grandmother.

But I guess if I don't see him before he dies, I will always wonder what if?

I guess I have a lot to think about right now.

Tsukino hikari wa ai no message.

I have come to the conclusion that love is but only an idealistic concept...

My mom said earlier I shouldn't be so cynical about love at my age but even at 22 years old I have encountered my fair share of heartbreak, being messed around and cheated on.

I'm not one to expect miracles, I don't expect my knight in shining armour to ride in on a white horse and to sweep me off of my feet.

Neither do I expect to experience love at first sight, and then in turn some true love romance to blossom and get married and live happily ever after.

But it would be nice to meet someone who would like me for me, for my strange and twisted mind, who could accept me for me flaws and all.

Someone with no ex hang ups, no trust issues, and just be completely sane, laid back, and mentally sound.

I always seem to attract people with issues and people who still have feelings for ex partners.

I mean I know you can't help what you feel, don't get me wrong, Ive been there.

BUT I am not your rebound tool, I'm not someone who can be used to pass your time because you can't get that 'one who got away' etc.

Urgh I don't know, I had 'the one who got away' but y'know what, life goes on.

You just don't dwell, you get on with life. Shit happens.

Over a year passes you kind of just realise... its not going to happen maybe I should get over it and move on with my life. Because it's just sad if you dwell on something forever.

Its not healthy.

I don't know, I'm going to make the most of my life, continue with college, go to uni and get a good job and do something with my life.

I won't let anyone mess up my dreams.

I'm not intentionally cynical, but if there is someone out there meant for me, they will come to me, and prove themselves. So til then I shall wait, and I will pursue my dream of studying Japanese at University. I've only been waiting 11/12 odd years to do it.

"Seiza no matataki kazoe

uranau koi no yukue"

Janine. xxx

My philosophy

So its been a pretty crap week in all fairness.

I dumped the boyfriend, and even though its me who finished it, it pretty much sucks, in fact I can't quite describe the emotion I'm feeling now.

The best example I can give to explain what I'm feeling is this passage as follows:

"It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn’t hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain—the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt though my limbs and head—but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn’t feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I’d grown strong enough to bear it" - S.M

So yeah, its dramatic, but it encompasses it in sorts. It's funny you almost convince yourself you're ok with it, and then... it kind of bites you in the ass. Then you tell yourself they're an asshole who is selfish and cruel and deserves the fugly bitch they're trying to go back off with... and then you realise... thats true, but you will still have a certain degree of hurt and a sense of loss over them. And then if anything... you feel angry more so with yourself than anything.

Ultimately though... you realise nothing will help cure your pain and loss more than a good quadruple drink of Jack Daniels, listening to some metallica, and watching the football then soon in time going out and meeting an uber sexy new man. This is the point when I realise... I have always been a very bright girl, and that this idea is perhaps the greatest idea yet.

Time may heal all wounds, but there is no greater solution to heartbreak than whiskey and metal. :) That's my philosophy... yeah, I know I got a new philosophy, 'man behind bar got great butt' well, I finally saw it. I now prefer whiskey.

Eep!

So since I last posted the weather has been fantastic! It has been so warm and the sun has been shining constantly, its only gone back to normal typical British weather as of last night really, but hopefully the nice weather is meant to be back again soon.

Ive been really good since I last posted, I've been a bit more productive I guess, and what with the really nice weather I've been really positive, the only bad thing to happen was on sunday afternoon when I managed to break my finger :(

It happened when I was round Brendan (my boyfriends) mom and dads house and Brendan and I were messing around with the football in their back garden. He threw the ball and I managed to have the ball smack my fingers head on. (Im useless at anything sports related... I cant catch, Im a cliche girly girl in that respect) So yeah, my left ring finger got crunched, no literally, I heard and felt the crack.

It absolutely killed to the point I wanted to cry, imagine your finger on fire... yeah thats how it felt.

It happened about 2'o'clock but I just thought 'whatever, ill put some ice on it' thinking it was just bruised and would stop hurting in a minute.

But by 9 I was still suffering from it and my finger had ballooned and gone black with bruising... so needless to say I went to minor injuries and they bandaged it, the next day I had an xray and what do you know, its broken.

Pure suckage, I've been told not to use that hand much for 6weeks. Which... is kinda ok as I'm right handed (score one for the righties!) But yeah, I never realised how much I use my left hand, for like opening things, and holding things (like the butter tub when I scrape butter out)

Its just like... argh I cant, pressure hurts! lol. (I know I know I'm a wuss).

So yeah, theres the story of my gross zombified finger (seriously it looks zombified). Its more better now though, I just kind of keep doing things I normally do forgetting its broken and cause myself more pain. I kind of went against doctors orders yesterday tidying and reorganising my living room which killed, but it looks so much better now with everything moved around, when I've completed it 100% I will have to put photos up.

Anyway, Im off to eat my butternut squash - sweet potato casserole that Ive cooked, it smells AMAZING! Im going to freeze some to share with my family and Brendan. :D

Oh yeah picture of the day! Look how cute and clever this bento is!

New beginnings

So I would say this is my first blog as it appears on my page, but its not, in truth I have had this blog since 2007, I decided to delete all my old posts as from now on I'm having a fresh start. I want to post more positive entries, and live a more productive and more fulfilling life.

I have a lot of hope for the rest of this year, like moving back to Lichfield and the possibility of going back to college, and maybe getting a job sometime too would be cool.

I think the change will mainly be in myself and the people I associate with, but it will also be my lifestyle.

I'm not drinking anymore, not that I exactly drink anyway, I just want to keep clean because I don't in all honesty think that putting something bad in your body is really a smart thing to do. I can have fun without the need to put chemicals and stuff in my body. And I think if you need to, well, its quite sad. That and in the long run its seriously bad for you. Why pay to die quicker?

Your body is a temple, and thus one should treat it as its sacred right? Life is a gift, you should look after yourself.

I know I have drank like a fish beforehand, but to be fair all I've gained from it is liver damage, stupid decisions, hours of my life missing, embarrassing nights out, and sickness. I wouldn't do the things I have done drunk if I had been sober.

Seriously go for a night out and stay sober the whole time, and look at the people around you who have had a drink. Its mad when you think after a few that is you. Therefore when I go out with friends to the pub I'm sticking to my j20, I'll save my liver and my pennies.

I don't know I'm not here to preach, I just want a lifestyle change, I don't want to be stuck in doing nothing all the time, I don't want to be around people who do idiotic things and who are just complete wasters, I don't want to spend my days sleeping in until 2.

That's not living, that's really sad, and I can't believe these past 2 years I've slipped back from the progress I've made back to square one.

I don't know, all I do know is, as of tomorrow things will change for me, I've made a conscious decision to improve myself and my life. So yay! Go team me!